SATIRE · Fictional story; no official policy change is being announced.
QUEBEC CITY — In a revolutionary effort to streamline emergency-room waiting, the Régie de l’assurance maladie du Québec (RAMQ) is officially replacing chip-enabled plastic cards with a premium series for the most patient patients: the Carte Soleil “Hammer Edition.”
The new identification document takes the form of a full-size one-pound (1 lb) machinist’s hammer, complete with a polished Canadian ash handle.
The insurance number and expiry date are stamped directly onto the steel head. The barcode is laser-etched along the handle.
“We’re tired of watching people sit for hours outside triage, begging a machine to issue a ticket. With the Hammer Edition, everything is transparent and tactile: walk in, place one pound of forged steel on the reception desk, and the queue organizes itself according to the laws of physics,” said a deputy health minister, testing the card’s balance on one palm.
Hammer Edition features
- Priority triage: No paper ticket required. Just two solid knocks with the wooden handle against the reception glass.
- Analog diagnostics: While the doctor fills out forms, patients can test their own knee reflexes or finally fix the corridor cabinet door that has been sticking since 1994.
- Built to last: The card cannot be demagnetized in a pocket, fears no Canadian winter, and will survive being sat on in a car.
The ministry’s one warning: patients must not lend the card to relatives, except when someone needs to hang a kitchen shelf.