SATIRE · Fictional story; no official policy change is being announced.
OTTAWA — The federal government has officially approved legislation granting two additional paid days off per month to citizens whose cars have passed the venerable age of 15. The program’s working title: “Support for Vehicles with Special Technical Needs.”
According to the Ministry of Iron Social Services, older cars need considerably more love, 10W-40 oil drips, and psychological support.
“We can’t expect a person to be fully productive at work when their 2008 Honda Civic has started misfiring under an overpass again, and the muffler is being held on exclusively by prayer and blue painter’s tape. These cars need care, quiet, and quality time together on a lift,” said a ministry spokesperson, clutching a can of WD-40.
The bill’s key provisions
- Caregiver leave: Days off may be used for scheduled procedures: lengthy negotiations to start in cold weather, ceremonial tapping of the starter, and locating rare parts at a scrapyard beyond city limits.
- Disability classification: Cars with more than two broken power windows and a permanently illuminated Check Engine light automatically qualify for Category One Metal Fatigue.
- Accessible parking: Special wide spaces will appear beside shopping centres, complete with a mandatory piece of cardboard under the engine “so it doesn’t drip on the pavers.”
- Mental health support: Owners of mid-2000s German cars will receive reimbursement for therapy after every repair-shop estimate.
Meanwhile, the union representing new, warrantied Teslas is preparing a protest, demanding time off in case the car’s tablet freezes during a software update.