SATIRE · No such dental trend or treatment package is real.
MONTRÉAL — A new trend in Canadian aesthetic medicine has shocked aestheticians but earned a standing ovation among the frugal: faced with the enormous price difference in restoration work, patients are said to be giving up incisors and canines in favour of a full set of molars around the perimeter of the jaw.
The bundled service has acquired an unofficial name: the “Bulldozer Smile,” or “All-Terrain Grin.”
“Let’s face it: a front incisor is pure marketing and vanity. It costs as much as a Subaru turbo and breaks on one Tim Hortons bagel. A first or second molar, meanwhile, is reliable engineering, designed to crush ice, wood, and yesterday’s poutine. For the same price, I get all-wheel drive instead of fragile decoration,” says 48-year-old contractor Jean-Luc, showing off a solid fence of chewing crowns where his front teeth used to be.
The “rears only” configuration
- Economically sound: Even contact across the arch eliminates the need for bite adjustments: the jaws close like a machinist’s vise.
- Multitasking: Bite through wire, open bottles, and gnaw frozen baguettes right from the centre of the mouth, without looking sideways.
- A psychological benefit: A person with four broad molars up front is guaranteed two metres of personal space in any queue. No words required.
Dental clinics are already logging a new class of requests: instead of Hollywood white, clients want a matte-grey, cast-iron finish and a lifetime warranty against wear from sand and road salt.